Here in Northwestern Wisconsin winter does not easily release its grip on us.  Two days ago we had snow.  Yesterday was a sunny but chilly day.  Today is again sunny.  Tomorrow the forecast is for a rain/snow/ice mix throughout the day...continuing into Monday.  In spite of this, spring also inexorably inches its way into existence.  The photos above capture the plants awakening from their winter slumber.  Rest assured that one month from now on Memorial Day Weekend we will be complaining about the heat.  Now that is indeed a nice thought.

So I sit here by my dining room window sipping coffee and watch spring arrive.  This is going to be an interesting year.  One thing that troubles me but yet I try not to give it any power in my life is that when I moved to California 35 years ago this Memorial Day weekend...I plunged into life there and never looked back.  Not once was I homesick for the life I'd left behind in Wisconsin and Minnesota.  Now almost daily I am homesick for California.  So much so am I homesick that there is the pain in the longing to be back there.

I also recognize that the brash young man of 35 years ago is a wee bit different from the older man that exists today.  Although I may not understand the whys and the wherefore of my life right now; I also know I am meant to be here.  It is my hope that as I move through this transition period that my spirits become lighter.

In today's Daily Word (from Unity), this phrase caught my attention:  "Despite any storm raging around me, I have the ability to turn my focus from fear to faith. I know and trust that no storm could ever destroy the protection that God provides."

There is no storm per se that is raging rather around me other than what I create in my own mind.  As I sit here in the comfort of my beautiful wee house in the woods I remind myself to change my focus from fear to faith.  I am protected by God and all will be well.

​E'nuff!

Yesterday morning CJ and I woke to a dusting of snow...the roofs of neighboring houses were white, the light snow frosted patches of garden and lawn, and it was a chilly 28 (F) on the 27th of April.  I do not believe the temperature ever got above 29 (F) here in Frederic.  This morning we have glorious sunrise and although it is still chilly outside, seeing the sunshine makes me feel good.

I wish I could say these last five to six weeks of being retired have been pleasurable.  They have not been that way.  Yes, there have been moments of fun, laughter, love, and contentment.  There has also been the stress and expense of the move.  Then upon arrival at the wee house in the woods furnace repairs, faucet repairs, leaking roof, and lastly because of that leaking roof the expense of a new roof.  It's all enough to make this olde man go "WTH?"  Then add on to this stress the culture shock of moving from Northern California (SF Bay Area) to NW Wisconsin...from a metro area of 7 million people to a village of 1,200.  It is again enough to make this olde man wonder "WTH" was I thinking?

However, with faith I move on.  The Universe/God (whatever you want to call it) does give us messages whether they be a clap of inspiration or a whisper of a thought.  As I lay in bed this morning snuggled down under the comforter, the words of Dr. Wayne Dyer came quietly to my mind:  "You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control the way you react."  I paraphrase his words but I hope you get the gist of what he was trying to teach us.  Today I start changing my thoughts and reactions from negative to positive.

Then, in case the whispered lesson was not enough to get through to me, I received another lesson through Unity's Daily Word:  "I may not always understand the why and how of things, but I can be sure of something else: Divine order is God’s gracious gift to me."

So with these lessons in my mind I sail into this day with a comforted heart and soul...and a smile on my face.

Thank you God.

​E'nuff!

It is now about two years now since Diane lost her battle with small cell cancer.  She was only 57 or 58 years old at the time and she  just gave up the battle after eight years of fighting the disease.  The photos above are from a happier time in our lives.

Diane was the leading authority on any and every thing and that would drive the rest of us friends nuts.  Yet, if any of us needed help she would be there.

Her BFF was Bill (top row 3rd pic on the left).  They both died from cancer two weeks to the day.  They were inseparable during life and I believe inseparable in their transition.  I am sure they are sitting right now at some bar in heaven and having cocktails and discussing the rest of us!  LOL

However, yesterday I heard the saddest story about her last eight years of life on this planet.  Not only was she battling the sickening effects of small cell cancer for eight years...she was also living in a personal hell.  Upon her death it was discovered that her home was filled with trash...shoulder high from basement to top floor.  It took professionals to the make the town home safe because it was in such bad shape.

Mind you...this was an impeccable woman...during her life her home was always spotless and she always dressed to the nines, makeup was perfect, and nail polish glowing.  During her eight year battle with cancer, as one dear friend put it so well, at what point did she decide to tie up the trash and just throw it somewhere in the house rather than take it to the dumpster.

It was like she had become two personalities...a brave face to the rest of us and yet experiencing her own personal hell at home for eight years!  She never told anyone the grief she was experiencing and always deflected any inquiries on her well being.

There are many trails and threads to how she might have arrived at that point...but this is not the time to discuss them.  And only she can or could have told us what were the thoughts and emotions that she experienced during the last eight years of her life.

Hindsight is always 20/20...such as should we have listened more...or should we have gotten past our personal reactions to her "know it all" personality?  There are no answers.

And that is why we are all so flummoxed.

Is there a lesson here?  I am not sure for I believe it is not the intention of the Universe/God to punish one person so another person might learn a lesson.  Rather it is events in our lives from which we do learn.  We grieve, we accept, we learn...is it not all about faith?

I miss you Diane and God bless your sweet "know it all" soul.

E'nuff!

Yesterday was a day of addressing a couple of issues.  For one thing, I selected a contractor to put the new roof on the house.  Now that I am proceeding with the project with a contractor that I trust...I feel so much better...at ease.  Yes, it is an expensive project but it will only add value to the house.

Then I got to spend quality time with family as we tackled a couple of yard projects as well as a new faucet for the kitchen sink...and then shared dinner together.  My great nephew gave me the ultimate compliment when he asked his parents if they could spend Christmas Eve here.  I thought to myself "I would love that"; however, I leave that decision to his Mom and Dad.  They do have other family obligations that time of the year as well.  Besides Christmas is eight months from today...a lot can happen between now and then.

So today I find myself mentally and emotionally in a better space than I had been in the last few days.  Am I still in culture shock?  Most assuredly.  Yet I can see where this just might work.

Lastly the Daily Word was again right where my need was/is right now with this thought:  "Joy provides me with appreciation for the up moments, faith to face the down moments, and peace during the times in between."

I can't say this is an "up" moment but I know it is not a "down" moment...so it has to be an "in between" moment and right now that is ok with me.

​E'nuff.

So far this morning I've seen two different weather forecasts for Frederic.  One said sunny with a high of 64 degrees.  The other said rain showers with a high of 65 degrees.  Hmmmm?

Yesterday, Sunday, was a quiet day at home spent either reading or watching TV.  I was paralyzed by depression.  It was a day of being tired, depressed, and homesick for California.  At times I felt like I was being smothered here in Frederic with no way out.  I regretted my decision to move here.  I second guessed my decision to retire thinking I should have stayed in the San Francisco Bay Area and worked until I was 80. My thoughts were telling me that I was (am) a healthy old workhorse and I could have done well.  And at least I would not have been stuck here.

Was I looking at the key word(s) here?  Healthy.  No, not at all for I was so busy being unhappy that I did not look at my blessings.  I ignored the beautiful wee house in the woods and how fortunate I was to have it.  The prosperous bank accounts of mine...I ignored.  Also ignored was CJ's daily happiness at the wee house in the woods.   It was quite the pity party of one.  As miserable as I was I knew it was not really me being me.

Am I lonely?  Yes.  Do I miss the hustle and bustle of city living?  Yes.  Do I miss the convenience of city living?  Yes!  Do I miss the wonderful magical vibe of San Francisco?  Oh how my heart aches.

Am I so busy looking at this one door in my life that just closed that I am ignoring the new door that just opened with all of its possibilities?  Yes!  Most assuredly so...for some reason I am not embracing this new life but rather instead I am second guessing myself.

When distressed like this, I turn to my faith and the old and true Unity adage "Let go and let God."  Today's Daily Word was "spot on" for me as these words guided my spirit:  "I find comfort and strength in prayer. Spirit whispers in my heart to let go and trust. Following this gentle guidance, I let go of the past. With faith I let life continually move me forward with a sense of peace and security."

So it is with a sense of peace that I sit here this morning sipping my coffee and watching the early morning sun trying to peek through the clouds.  I know within my soul...even though at times my mind may try to tell me otherwise...that this is all good and nothing but good will come out of it.

​E'nuff!

Omigosh!  After living in California for 35 years I have forgotten how nature responds to the first warm days of spring.  One could almost hear the plants growing...the buds popping on the trees.  The photo above is of some sort of flowering tree that shades the walkway leading to my front door.

If, on this quiet evening at the wee house in the woods you are looking for some profound thoughts...you will be sorely disappointed.  For on this spring day I almost finalized the unpacking for there is a little bit more to do but it now has reached the point of organizing what is left to unpack with that which has already been unpacked.  Convoluted sentence, eh?

Then I washed the trusty Honda Accord EX!  It is the first time I've washed a car in over 35 years.  The whole time I was washing the car my thoughts were WTF!  I've been so spoiled by the South San Francisco car wash where I would drop off the trusty Honda at one door, order the "Aloha Special," and pick it up when the car came out the other door and was wiped down.  Immaculate.  My attempt at car washing was and is less than immaculate cleaning.  LOL  Where or where can I find a good car wash close to my new home in NW Wisconsin?!?

Ah well.

​E'nuff!

Even though many tell me the being depressed is part of the process of transitioning from full-time work to being retired, yesterday was the second day of that misery for me.  Yes, there were other factors such as suddenly finding out the I needed a new roof (like, why could this not have happened when I worked full-time???) plus the disassociation that goes along with moving to a completely new location.  A new location that although gay tolerant it is not bursting with things for a gay man to do.

One of the thoughts that quietly entered my mind (thank you Universe) was that I could not move forward until all of my unpacking was completed.  I then tackled that project with gusto and by late afternoon...outside of the two boxes of Mom's china, I was done.  The empty boxes flattened and into the dumpster, the packing material into the dumpster, and a plan put together for today's finalizing of that project...were all part of yesterday.  Then I did the weekly wash, binge watched the TV series "Bosch", and finally gave myself some downtime around 8pm.  I read a great book until 10pm and went to bed.

I slept thru the night never waking once...and woke to this beautiful morning (picture above).  Today I am working on my resume...I want part-time work.

​E'nuff!

Yesterday afternoon a cold rain settled in during the 3pm to 4pm timeframe.  CJ took advantage of the moment and had what looked like a delicious afternoon snooze.  Myself?  I was reclined on the couch and reading a good novel.

The depression lingered on until about the time I started making dinner.  I know this will pass so I do not want to make it a big thing.

In today's Daily Word there were a couple of things that really caught my soul:  1)  "Wisdom is an understanding of spiritual Truth beyond the limited knowledge of our mortal minds.  2)  "Peacefully and in perfect trust, I turn within, quieting my mind and opening my heart to the wisdom that guides me through any challenges I may face."

So...using also another Unity expression "let go and let God."  I commit myself to perfect outcomes and know that nothing but good will come out this.

​E'nuff!

This morning I got out of bed in a very dark mood.  A part of that dark mood can be chalked up to not enough sleep for I woke up at 4am and could not get back to sleep.  Everything is bugging me today.  My hope that this negativity that I am feeling will pass.

Another portion of the dark mood can be attributed to finding out that I may need a new roof on the house.  The first quote is $11,400!  The three things that bug me about this:  1)  Why could it not have happened while I was still working?  2)  I am retired and on a small fixed income and suddenly my house becomes a money pit???  3)  The guy that gave me the quote was not honest with me.

When I say he was not honest with me I am referring to our discussion.  I asked if he would allow credit card payment.  He said that he would but that he would have to charge me 13% more to cover his discount rate.  What he did not know if that I've ran the credit card department of the place where I worked and 13% is not possible.  Maybe 4% but not 13%.  Oh, and to charge me for the discount rate is illegal. I do not like it when people lie to me.

So my chores today....which also are part of my bad mood...are to get second and third quotes on the roof, decided how to pay for the roof...pay cash, charge, or refinance the house.  Oh, and lest I forget I have yet to endure another grueling call with CenturyLink as I explain to them that I do not have Direct TV because it could not be installed...and that I do not have broadband internet even though I am paying for one.

And I still have the final four boxes of unpacking to do.

I want to curl up with a book instead of having to do all of these things.  Well, I guess if these are the worst of my problems...I should not complain.

E'nuff!

Somehow I thought retired people rode happily into the sunset of their retired years.  This is not a truth for many of us.  In the four weeks since I've retired, I have had frequent bouts of depression that seem to come out of nowhere.  These bouts last from one to two hours and then they are gone and I am fine for awhile...and then they return.

In talking to friends that have retired before I did I am finding that this is not an uncommon issue.  They tell me that they have all experienced it, that eventually it will pass, and yet from time to time it will re-occur.  Interesting?  Is there a study on this?

I thought that my depression stemmed from a number of things:  1)  Leaving one area that I loved living in to move into another area (nice in its own way), 2) Leaving friends that I love behind, 3)  Leaving behind a very nice life that I had built over the last 35 years; and, 4) during all of this watching my two closest friends end their marriage.

All of this stressful and I do believe it does account for my mood swings.  Yet, when I talk to retired friends who have gone through less of a transition, they report the same depressions.

Today I have no answers.  As I gaze from my computer across my warm and comfortable wee little house in the woods I find that at this moment I do not recognize it nor do I find any comfort in it.  Yet sometime during this evening I will snap out of it and be ok.

BTW, I also recognize certain negatives in which I could not have continued to survive.  For one thing I lived in the San Francisco Bay Area and in the 35 years I lived there it had gone from a fun magical place in which to live to a life that was defined only by wealth and developers only:  gay life was dead, the art scene was dead, the music scene was dead, and the restaurant scene was disappearing.  I still loved living there even though I did not live in a rent control area and my rent had cumulatively increased  by $1,200 per month due to my predatory landlord (not from San Francisco but from Colorado Springs)...and I was tired of my hard-earned wages being consumed by rent to a stingy landlord who never did anything to improve my apartment.  Also the company I worked for was not doing well so the question was would it last or would it not and if I were to be let go what would I do at my age.  My lifestyle had also changed to a quieter lifestyle where time away from work was spent at home hanging out with the cat, reading, cooking.

So...by all standards I have landed well.  Why am I depressed?!?  I know better.

​E'nuff!