One of my fondest memories of being with my parents was watching the sun set in the evening.  In our house on Amacoy Lake...the living room windows faced west...and I remember sitting with them quietly as the sun set and the darkness surrounded the house until finally one of them would get up and turn on a lamp.  This was a ritual whether it was winter or it was summer.  The difference was that with summer, we had the lingering twilight.

Californians do not understand the concept of twilight for once the sun sets over the Pacific it is night there.  Here in Wisconsin we have "twilight".  Is it because we are further north?  I do not know.  However, this twilight time lingers after the sun has set but the darkness of night has not arrived.  It is maybe about one hour of what I would call "half-light."

It is a time of peace.  It is a time of quiet.

After a lifetime of living in California I find myself returning to that routine of my parents now that I am living in Northwestern Wisconsin.  I do not have any lamps on as afternoon turns into evening, evening turns into the twilight time, and finally darkness surrounds the wee cottage in the woods.  Eventually once night has arrived I do turn on a lamp or two and then settle into the evening routine of this & that.  It is a time of peace.  It is a time of bliss.  Lastly, it is a time of meditation and appreciation.

The only difference from my parents is that rather than my home being completely quiet, I am listening to either classical music or soft jazz.

Is it not amazing how in certain times and rituals we repeat the patterns of our parents?

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Yesterday these beautiful flowers started blooming.  Since I am the "reluctant gardener" I did not know what they were and posted pictures on FB...asking does anyone know the name of these flowers.  There were many good guesses from azaleas to forsythias.  The winner was the person that announced these were honeysuckle!

Today is gray with clouds and somewhat chilly for this time of the year...so much so that I had to turn on the heat for a wee bit this morning to take the chill out of the air.  My plans for today are small...put the new license plates on the car, finally pot some plants, and then settle in with a good book.

In today's Daily Word:  "I become aware of infinite love surrounding me and lifting my spirit."  Think about that for a minute.  Surrounded by infinite love am I.

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At the time this family portrait was done, my sister Ruth had already been dead for at least 10 years.  So it is not a full family portrait...yet from left to right:  Mom, me, my brother Kenny, and Dad.

This Memorial Day in 2017, I am the only one left alive that was in this portrait.  It seems hard to believe that I am "the last one left standing" in this small family...but I am.  As I gaze at the portrait the warm and wonderful memories flow through me.  Memories of my brother who I worshipped as a kid.  Memories of Mom and Dad who gave me love, my will to survive, my discipline, my honesty...and my love of all creatures great and small.  For these things I am forever grateful.  Dang, but my father was one handsome dude and my mother was one beautiful woman...and my brother's smile speaks for itself.

This Memorial Day was spent at home.  Yes, the wee little cottage in the woods is now home.  I am thankful for this beautiful place in which to live...each spring day brings new beauty in the yard as plants and flowers wake from the sleep of winter.

I spent the day online catching up with friends and family.  I spent the day talking on the phone to friends and family.  Also I spent the afternoon watching one of my favorite movies..."Indochine".  The movie is a great story of the time of Indo-China emerging from French colonial rule and the creation of North Viet Nam and South Viet Nam.  If you want to watch this movie, please make sure you have a box of Kleenex next to you.  Just saying...  LOL

This day too I am remembering cousins who died during the second world war and/or fought in the second world war (and came home) so fascism would not come to America.  With the political intrigue today...the intrigue of the far right wing suppressing dissension, the fake president...I fear for this once great country that has lost its way...and I know those that died defending what we once were, must be turning in their graves.

God...dear God please save us all....

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Yesterday was a good day.  In the morning my car and I officially became Wisconsinites as the car was registered in Wisconsin and I got my Wisconsin driver's license.

The afternoon was spent grocery shopping in preparation for the Memorial Day weekend.  After I got home and put all the groceries away, I made myself a Tanqueray & tonic and sat for awhile on the back deck absorbing the peace and beauty that surrounded me.  While sitting there I heard this beautiful birdsong and instinctively I am thinking that is a Jenny Wren.  How did I know that bird's song when I'd not heard it for over 40 years???  My first thought and action were to Google the Jenny Wren...and yes, that was the song I was hearing.

How did I know that song so surely?  It was and is a memory I had forgotten...my parents loved the wrens!  They would practically "coo" when they heard the first Jenny Wren song of the summer.  My parents were avid bird watchers and their yard had both bird feeders and bird houses.  The bird houses were for tree swallows and for wrens.  As I watched them watch birds while I was a child I must have absorbed that knowledge.  Without hesitation I find the name in my memory bank of every new bird I see.

Good memories.

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Yesterday I potted plants in the kitchen window planters as well as various pots for the back deck.  The flowers do not look all that impressive right now but by June they will be overflowing their planters and pots with radiant flowers.

Monday's black spell had dissipated during the night and Tuesday morning I woke with a whole different attitude.  Spending an afternoon with soil, flower pots and plants also did wonders for the soul.  I may be a "reluctant gardener" but I've lived in many homes along the way that have had patios or balconies...and potting plants is something I can do well.  So yesterday the pots were filled with geraniums and impatiens...low maintenance yet lots of flowers.

Today's weather is cloudy and gloomy.  I've not seen a forecast but as i look out the window I cannot help but think it will rain today.  Again.  Today before heading off to get my hair cut I need to deal with the bureaucracy of health insurance.  That is something that is enough to put one in a bad mood for the rest of the week!  Yet it must be done.  This retirement stuff is not easy and it is full of landmines purposely set to trip one into making mistakes.  Why is it so complicated?

Yet, once again today's Daily Word has a little bit of advice for me:  "A clenched fist cannot hold more, just as a closed heart misses out on all the beauty emotions can bring. I choose today to open my hands, my mind, and my heart."

So today as I deal with health insurance I will not look at it as a battle but as an opportunity to learn.  The person at the other end of the phone I will treat with goodwill and respect just as I would wish to be treated.  We really do create our own realities and this is one day that will be a positive first step toward the next days of my life.  The life of the retired.

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 A few postings ago I quoted an author that said the during times of stressful transition we should keep a journal of our thoughts, feelings, and events.  He also said we should keep a journal of our dreams.  I am not to sure about the journal of my dreams yet I really had a strange dream Saturday night/Sunday morning.  More about that will be said in another posting.  This blog is the journal of my transition from living in San Francisco to living in a small town in Northwestern Wisconsin.

I did not think the transition would be so tough...but it is at times.  Today has been a bad day.  I have been homesick and feeling lost all day.  It is almost impossible to escape the depression of a day such as today.  The thing that shocks me is that I am not a person that gets depressed easily unless I am tired.  The other thing that strikes me is how fragile my sense of well being has been since this move has happened.  For instance I can go from a nice day such as yesterday to a day such as this.

Also what strikes me is that 35 years ago when I moved from the Upper Midwest to San Francisco, I never experienced homesickness.  I took to living there like a duck takes to water.  Plus everything fell into place during that move there...good job, nice place to live, immediately making friends, and...most importantly a sense that I had come home...that I belonged there. 

Not here...nope...every day I am homesick for California and its lifestyle.  There is very little that I can identify with here.  Yes the people are nice and there is a peace in living here; and, my home is everything a man could want for it is warm, comfortable and inviting.  I do not feel as if I belong here.

The contradiction is jarring...and I wonder what is wrong with me?

CJ is thriving in this home.  I've never seen him so healthy and happy.  Yes, San Francisco is unaffordable unless you are a techie millionaire...yes, the traffic is horrendous.  Yet every day I lived there I felt as if I belonged.  I felt as if I belonged even though I questioned on a daily basis of the quality of life with the death of gay life in San Francisco, the emptiness of being surround by techies, the traffic...and on and on.  Everything seemed to be saying to me "you cannot continue to live here and survive."

Yet this place is telling me the same thing.  I do not identify with a people with than can elect the likes of Ron Johnson, Paul Ryan, little Scotty Wanker...or worst of all...I cannot identify with a people that would vote for the likes of the fake president and his fake vice president.  Daily I tread on eggshells keeping my mouth shut around people here...whereas in California I could express my thoughts and feelings freely.

As a gay man this is like living in the closet that I lived in before coming out so many years ago.  As a gay man now having lived here since late March, I find I miss the stimulation of being in a city where there was gay life.  At this stage in my life I am not looking to hook up with anyone...norsireee!  LOL  Yet I now find myself craving and missing to be able to get on BART and be in the Castro in 15 - 20 minutes and going to my favorite local dive bar (Mix) and meeting up with friends, acquaintances and appreciating the really cute bartender.  Hey, I can look, can't I?  LOL  Just because I am on a diet does not mean that I cannot look at the menu!

I felt alive in San Francisco.  Here in Northwestern Wisconsin all I feel is my years.  Yet I know in my heart that I am here for a reason.  That reason may be branching out into my creative side?   That would be fantastic after having experiencing a career in the corporate world.  America's corporate world will kill the soul as quickly as any type of poison...and perhaps it is poison in and of itself these days.

Whatever it is here...I am going to give it my best shot.  If in March, 2018, I am still not happy...then I am selling everything...the house and all my belongings.  The only thing that will move is CJ, my cameras, my computer, and a suitcase full of clothes...and I will start over in either Palm Springs or in Lodi, CA (two of my favorite places).  Life is not meant to be spent living so unhappily.

Is it not strange that living in the beautiful wee house in the woods can leave one feeling so unhappy?  I do not get it...and yet that is perhaps an answer of and in itself.

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When I first woke this morning there was not a single cloud in the sky and the sun was shining brightly.  After all of these days of rain the sunshine magnified the rich green of the leaves and grass.  Now clouds have moved in and although there are still a few patches of blue sky I am afraid the weather forecast for a cloudy day is going to hold true.

Yesterday I spent a wonderful afternoon with my dear friends Bob and Tom.  They have a cottage on a lake that is within easy driving distance.  We had lots to talk about and many times were laughing as we all went down "Memory Lane" and reminisced of good times shared when we were much younger.  The afternoon was topped off my a delicious dinner of grilled steaks, baked potato, and coleslaw.  I was too full to eat dessert so I brought it home with me...and ate it upon getting home.  Then I retreated to the couch with a good book, a full tummy, and read until bedtime.

It was a wonderful day.

Now it is Monday.  Hmmm.

Today's Daily Word was about "world peace."  In fact it was titled "World Peace"...with this phrase as a good summary of the lesson:  "I hold a vision of peace and harmony for the world."  After reading the news this morning...or let us just say the culmination of all the news of happenings in this world since last November...it is hard to believe in "world peace" for the forces of evil seem to be alive and well and very active.

So today I pray for peace...I pray for "right outcomes"...I pray for "Divine order in our world."

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One of my California traditions was to make a homemade pizza on a Friday night.  Not every Friday night...but on most Friday nights this was my meal.  That way I could look forward to cold pizza and hot coffee for breakfast on Saturday morning...one of my favorite things.  Of course then having pizza (one of my very favorite foods) for dinner was a celebration of it not only being Friday but also of having completed the work week.

Last night I finally incorporated that tradition into my living here in Frederic.  It was not homemade completely for I started with a Boboli pizza crust...but the toppings were all mine:  pizza sauce, sweet Italian sausage, onions, mushrooms, and lots and lots of cheese.  I can't wait for breakfast this morning!

This morning...from today's Daily Word is this phrase:  "To be fully comfortable with my life, I may think I need to have complete control over every variable in it—family, friends, government, weather, and more. But my true freedom comes through Spirit. When I think and move and have my being through my spiritual nature, I am free. I am unlimited."

Can you imagine that unlimited freedom?  Recently a friend and I were discussing how we become prisoners to our belongings.  An example would be our homes filled with the treasures and belongings of a lifetime.  At some point in our desire to hang on to them they begin to own us.  I joked during that conversation...yet I was serious...that when I move from this house all that will accompany me are CJ, a suitcase of clothes, my cameras and my computer.  

Don't get me wrong...for I am happy right now with things just the way they are right now...my wee house in the woods, sitting here writing and sipping on coffee, and celebrating good health.  An "attitude of gratitude" is my mantra.  There are not many that have the blessings that I have.  I am truly thankful.

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At best I am what I call "the reluctant" gardener.  My father was an avid gardener.  My dear friend Rick is also an avid gardener...just as his parents are.  However, gardening is not my forte.  There is enough of the gardening gene in me that plants thrive under my care.  As far as choices go I'd rather curl up with a good book, take a long walk along the ocean, or cook...but not garden.

So now I have a yard that is one-half acre in size and the previous owners beautifully landscaped the property.  I am so thankful that it is landscaped with perennials because that means the extent of my gardening chores involve raking the dead leaves of autumn out of the garden beds and pruning those shrubs and bushes that need pruning.  My gardens and yard now look beautiful but it is hardly because of me.

I will happily take credit for it though!

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