I did not think the transition would be so tough...but it is at times. Today has been a bad day. I have been homesick and feeling lost all day. It is almost impossible to escape the depression of a day such as today. The thing that shocks me is that I am not a person that gets depressed easily unless I am tired. The other thing that strikes me is how fragile my sense of well being has been since this move has happened. For instance I can go from a nice day such as yesterday to a day such as this.
Also what strikes me is that 35 years ago when I moved from the Upper Midwest to San Francisco, I never experienced homesickness. I took to living there like a duck takes to water. Plus everything fell into place during that move there...good job, nice place to live, immediately making friends, and...most importantly a sense that I had come home...that I belonged there.
Not here...nope...every day I am homesick for California and its lifestyle. There is very little that I can identify with here. Yes the people are nice and there is a peace in living here; and, my home is everything a man could want for it is warm, comfortable and inviting. I do not feel as if I belong here.
The contradiction is jarring...and I wonder what is wrong with me?
CJ is thriving in this home. I've never seen him so healthy and happy. Yes, San Francisco is unaffordable unless you are a techie millionaire...yes, the traffic is horrendous. Yet every day I lived there I felt as if I belonged. I felt as if I belonged even though I questioned on a daily basis of the quality of life with the death of gay life in San Francisco, the emptiness of being surround by techies, the traffic...and on and on. Everything seemed to be saying to me "you cannot continue to live here and survive."
Yet this place is telling me the same thing. I do not identify with a people with than can elect the likes of Ron Johnson, Paul Ryan, little Scotty Wanker...or worst of all...I cannot identify with a people that would vote for the likes of the fake president and his fake vice president. Daily I tread on eggshells keeping my mouth shut around people here...whereas in California I could express my thoughts and feelings freely.
As a gay man this is like living in the closet that I lived in before coming out so many years ago. As a gay man now having lived here since late March, I find I miss the stimulation of being in a city where there was gay life. At this stage in my life I am not looking to hook up with anyone...norsireee! LOL Yet I now find myself craving and missing to be able to get on BART and be in the Castro in 15 - 20 minutes and going to my favorite local dive bar (Mix) and meeting up with friends, acquaintances and appreciating the really cute bartender. Hey, I can look, can't I? LOL Just because I am on a diet does not mean that I cannot look at the menu!
I felt alive in San Francisco. Here in Northwestern Wisconsin all I feel is my years. Yet I know in my heart that I am here for a reason. That reason may be branching out into my creative side? That would be fantastic after having experiencing a career in the corporate world. America's corporate world will kill the soul as quickly as any type of poison...and perhaps it is poison in and of itself these days.
Whatever it is here...I am going to give it my best shot. If in March, 2018, I am still not happy...then I am selling everything...the house and all my belongings. The only thing that will move is CJ, my cameras, my computer, and a suitcase full of clothes...and I will start over in either Palm Springs or in Lodi, CA (two of my favorite places). Life is not meant to be spent living so unhappily.
Is it not strange that living in the beautiful wee house in the woods can leave one feeling so unhappy? I do not get it...and yet that is perhaps an answer of and in itself.