So, yes, tonight I am ok.
E'nuff!
It is late Easter Sunday afternoon. I've spent a wonderful time with family since yesterday afternoon and the "wee little house in the woods" became "home" during the process. Now I am having a dinner not only of leftovers but of the vegetables that I'd intended to make for last night's feast. Mrs. Weiss's Vegetables is the recipe that just emerged from the oven.
So, yes, tonight I am ok. E'nuff!
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Many years ago I attended a Baptist college and then after getting my BA in history, I went on to seminary...and I made it mostly through the first year of seminary. What had started was that I was confused at the fact that the "church" did not teach what Jesus taught. For instance I would read Jesus's "Sermon on the Mount" and the message that came through loud and clear was the love of God for all of us. The unconditional love for all of us. The theme of forgiving is in the sermon, the theme of not judging is in the sermon, the message of serving is in the message. Yet the church/the college that calls itself "Christian" taught none of these things. Rather it taught judgment, it taught worship of wealth, it taught an "us versus them", it taught rules and regulations which only strictly followed could one achieve heaven or get God's forgiveness. It made God into an angry white man on a throne that was fickle and would punish anyone or anything that might disturb "Him." These things were not part of any of the teachings of Jesus. Disillusioned I left seminary and went on my way.
The journey from that point in my life was a long one. There were pleasant surprises along the way...for instance the books of Dr. Wayne Dyer. Then many years later dear friends that are family to me introduced me to Unity. It was if my soul had finally found the fountain it had sought and it could not stop from drinking at this fountain. There was one very significant Saturday for me...on that Saturday our Unity minister, Rev. Maureen Bass, gave a seminar on "Lessons in Truth" by H. Emilie Cady. Sitting at a San Francisco coffee shop about one hour before the seminar started I opened the book to a random chapter and started reading. My soul responded to the words in this book like it had never ever responded to anything before. I did not...could not...stop reading. I absorbed that book as if I were starved for its knowledge. On that day my soul began to heal and to finally know it had found its spiritual home. "Lessons in Truth" to this day is part of my spiritual library...a small book with a lot of significance for me. Lessons, messages, and comfort come to us in many different ways when we are ready to listen. This was mine for at that moment in time I was ready to listen. So on this Saturday before Easter I reflect back upon this...my spiritual journey with thankfulness. In reflection I know that I am not a religious person...but I am a spiritual person instead. I know that this journey is not done yet and I have a lot of growing to do...but I am thankful for where I am today. As today's "Daily Word" said so eloquently: "I prepare myself as an empty, open vessel to receive the full measure of divine blessings. I am whole. I am one with Spirit." Thank you Power of the Universe...God. Thank you Reverend Maureen Bass. Thank you Unity. E'nuff. Here is what I anticipated upon retiring and moving to the wee house in the woods:
1. CJ loving the house, sleeping in the bay windows, watching critters. 2. Myself spending leisurely days working on my blog, reading in the afternoon, watching movies on TV 3. Cooking gourmet meals and enjoying my new home in my new community. 4. Spending fun times with family and re-uniting with good friends. Here is what I got: 1. Three weeks later and CJ is still spooked. He is slowly coming around and enjoying himself...but it is a process. 2. A furnace that is not working properly and now looking at a repair bill the could be anywhere from the hundreds to the thousands. 3. A refrigerator that is leaking water. 4. A possible leak in the roof over the dining room bay window. 5. No cable for the TV, the DVD player was damaged in the move so there are no movies to be watched. 6. No time to read for I am constantly waiting for repairmen to show up because it has been one thing after another. 7. Loneliness...I miss the wonderful fun vibe of San Francisco. I find myself bored out of my mind here. And I wonder why I now wake up in the wee hours of the morning with panic attacks??? There is a lesson in this from the Universe...I know it...and I almost can grasp it...yet I cannot. So instead I am going to fall back upon the infallible and declare it all good...and declare for this day that there will be nothing but right outcomes...that I am where I am supposed to be and that the divine love of God/Universe surrounds me and protects me. E'nuff. Overnight it snowed. Well, actually, by late afternoon the snow had settled in and through the night we maybe got 4" or more of snow. The good news is that it was a mild and sunny afternoon and most of the snow is gone. Unfortunately yet fortunately, I discovered what may be the source of the leak over my dining room bay window...for it is leaking outside right now. When I can get someone here to hold the ladder for me, I am going to get up there by the roof and see if there is anything blocking the drain.
What I've noticed about the days here is how quickly the time goes by even when I am doing nothing. Well, I am doing something. Today I got set up for online banking, dealt with the craziness of AT&T, dealt with the craziness of CenturyLink, and lastly dealt with the crazy disinformation of Lakeland Communication. Ok, I am from California and I am used to good customer service. The customer service here is appalling. Oh they are nice people but the information one is fed is never accurate. It is crazy. The the furnace repairman...Larry Johnson of Heat & Cool Services has suddenly disappeared. He was here on last Thursday and seemed knowledgeable about what needed to be done, said he would order the parts, and that the parts would be in either on Friday or on Monday. That was the last I heard from him and it is now Tuesday afternoon and I've left two messages for him. No return call. What's going on? If I do not hear from him by 10am tomorrow, I am called another place. Those are my problems for today. The joys of today: loving my home, enjoying waking up to a snowy morning, baking banana bread this afternoon, taking photos, having the day to myself. Yes. Life is good. Thank you Universe for this day, this moment, for wisdom... E'nuff! Today I was majorly homesick for Pacifica (San Francisco). When I tried to counter the negative comparative thoughts another little thought crept into my mind: "When I moved to San Francisco 35 years ago, I was never homesick for Minnesota/Wisconsin. So if I am homesick now, does it mean I've made the wrong choice? Should have I moved to Palm Springs? Should I have moved to another major city?"
Good grief...the torture that my mind put me through today...yet I knew a good portion of my emotions...and I say emotions for they were not logical thoughts stemmed from being tired, having a dear family member (who had been helping unpack) leave for home, running into a traffic snafu at Rosedale Shopping Center, and on and on...it became a self-feeding frenzy of doubt and unhappiness. The antidote was time spent with family...a leisurely afternoon of laughter, good conversation, good food, good adult beverages, and good piano music...and I felt the negative thoughts sliding away. The two hour drive home was a peaceful event. And now CJ and I are having a quiet evening at our wee little house in the woods. Outside rain has been falling for awhile. Tomorrow we have no plans other than to relax for the day. All is good. E'nuff! The good things about this day:
1. I found the lamps I'd been searching for since this past Friday! Yay for me! 2. I found the runner for the hallway that I had been looking for since last Friday! 3. No, they were not in the last box, but instead the next to the last box that I opened! 4. CJ is expanding his boundaries in his new home. He is getting more and more comfortable here. 5. My mood has been generally quiet...definitely not funky although not quite joyous either. I am ok. There are another four to five boxes to pack and they are major boxes for they contain crystal, china, etc. These boxes are loaded with wrapping paper that has wrapped and protected everything that has made this move. However at this moment this is now a functional home. If one were to ask about me tonight...I would simply say "I am tired." E'nuff! Both yesterday and today I have been in a strange mood. Oh...and I have attributed it too all sorts of reasons such as unpacking fatigue, my olde age (haha), and frustration with the unpacking which is a whole 'nother story.
Yet today a friend told me exactly what is going on...and he was and is absolutely right. First I am now retired which brings with it two uncertainties: 1) Not getting the paycheck every two weeks; and, 2) No longer having structure of the 7am to 3:30pm workday. Even though I know I will be alright and I have absolute and complete faith in the Universe to provide...my mind chatter does take over at times. Then on top of being retired, I've moved halfway across the country from big city living to small town life. Even though I know I will adjust and will be ok...it is quite a change to go from California (San Francisco) to Frederic...to go from a metropolitan area of 7 million people to a small town of 1,100 people. There are many things I miss about San Francisco already and yet there are many things I love already about living in Frederic. Do I feel discombobulated? Most assuredly I do. Lastly, my two closest friends...and I am best friend to each of them are going through their own personal hell as their relationship is on the rocks. Since November I have been caught between the two of them. I am worn out. I love each of them. I keep insisting they see a marriage counselor not so much to save their marriage but to save themselves and their love for each other. So far they ignore me. To be honest, I am at wit's end in dealing with each of them...yet what can I do? So...no wonder that I am in this strange funk when I should be happy. Yet there are moments when I truly am happy for I love my new home, I love having CJ with me here, and even though I have my moments the warm and comfortable vibe of this house does calm my soul. What is today will change and tomorrow will be a whole 'nother event. It will all be ok and I am sure of that. E'nuff. Today has been a day of mixed emotions. The cause of those mixed emotions probably can be attributed to a lack of sleep for I put in a very restless night of sleep. Then you couple that with a cool gray April day along with unpacking fatigue and it is the right combination for a general malaise of emotions.
I find myself looking back at the wonderful 35 years in which I lived in San Francisco and the Bay Area...and so much missing it today. What I would not give to hop in the car and go to the Mix for "one". Yet I know that that misty thought is but an illusion for the last few years that I lived there I seldom went to the Mix. It was so seldom that I went there or even in the Castro that when there I felt out of place...out of step...a stranger in my own place. The wild and fun loving young man that I was when first moving there has given way to a care worn man that is to be 70 years old this summer. There is still a lot of life, fun, and laughter left in me yet those same things I pursued as a young man, I do not pursue now. Maybe I am missing that which once was the magic of San Francisco. That magic has disappeared with the advent of the techies, the high cost of living, the death of the gay scene, the death of the art scene, the death of the music scene. The San Francisco that once was is like a glamorous ghost that appears from time to time in everyday events. Every once in awhile you sense a glimmer of what it was...and then that glimmer disappears in the hard edged unforgiving greed of today's San Francisco. The San Francisco of Kim Novak is long dead. The San Francisco of the gay revolution is long dead. There is an old saying and I repeat it: "Make sure you are not so busy looking at the door that just closed, that you miss the door that just opened." And that saying strikes me as where I am at today emotionally. I am now residing in a lovely home that is located in the woods and lake country of Northwestern Wisconsin. A new door has opened for me and as I hesitantly go through that door, I cast a glance over my shoulder and say "goodbye" to what once was. I embrace today and each and every day of this new future...this new home, place, time, experience. I can feel the bright sunlight of a new future shining in my face. Thank you Universe. The furniture arrived Friday morning along with all the boxes of stuff accumulated over the years. Starting with Friday afternoon...I've spent Friday afternoon, Saturday afternoon, and Sunday afternoon unpacking. The wee little home in the woods is really starting to look like, well, "home."
The top left pic is of the living room...the other three pics are the family room downstairs which also is turning into a comfortable space. Today I unpacked my mantel clock and the two things that truly make a home "home" for me are CJ and a mantel clock...in that order. As afternoon drifts into evening and I am now relaxing the sound of the clock ticking and chiming...are bliss to me. The packers have done a wonderful job. Almost all items have arrived unscathes. There is an old vase that is broken...it had been a gift from a dear friend who is no longer here. But, so be it... My schedule tomorrow? More unpacking! Retirement bliss. Woke to beautiful sunshine this Saturday morning. Outside the temp is a frosty 28 degrees. Inside...well...there is no heat. The new water pump/gauge for the furnace has stopped working. Well, I should say the gauge is working and it shows the water is hot and that there is no pressure to force the hot water up through the pipes to heat the house. So, as I sit here typing I am enjoying the heat of a space heater and a hot cup of coffee while wrapped in a heavy wool shirt. One can only smile.
Also and thankfully I have a gas fireplace in the family room and that too has been activated this morning. Somehow I really scared CJ this morning. All I did was open the front door and he took off as if a bogey monster had lept at him. Then he ran from me as I walked through the house. Now he is hiding above the ceiling tiles in the family room. What is this, eh? That's it for today...except more unpacking is scheduled. |
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